The Official Uchiha Guide to Revenge
by KagoTori
Summary: Do you have a psychotic older brother who single handedly destroyed your clan? Are you willing to give up your livelihood/soul/sanity to achieve your REVENGE? If so, then this is the right guide for you! Follow these simple steps to obtain your REVENGE!


**The Official Uchiha Guide to Revenge**

Have you ever wanted to disembowel an enemy? Do you have a psychotic older brother who single handedly destroyed your clan? Are you willing to give up your livelihood/soul/sanity to achieve your REVENGE? If so, then this is the right guide for you! To achieve your REVENGE, just follow these simple steps, and your enemy/brother/evil twin/cat will fall to their sadistic knees in no time!

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**Revenge tip number 1:**

Practice your angry face. This can be done in any mirror, the eyes of your enemy, or an Official Uchiha Compact. *click here to buy* Make sure to scowl menacingly, and don't be afraid to slather on the disgust. Use eye twitching sparingly. Remember, always look down on your enemies as it will intimidate them and aid you in your quest for REVENGE. _NOTE: If enemy is taller than you, use a footstool/ladder/corpse/teammate to boost yourself._ Kill all other facial expressions, because they are useless in your quest for REVENGE.

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**Revenge tip number 2:**

Gain an angsty reputation. If you desire REVENGE, you must be appropriately angsty. This includes developing a disgust for all humans/weakness/small animals/ramen. Be careful to never show affection for anything besides REVENGE and power. Showing an intense love of tomato's is optional. Beware of sugar/pocky/laughing gas, as their effects may break the stiff unemotional mask you cherish so deeply.

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**Revenge tip number 3:**

Spurn all fangirls. The hyperactivity of a fangirl can destroy your pride, reputation, and your perfectly sculpted duck hair. However this does not mean you should avoid having fangirls, in fact, all good REVENGE oriented avengers must have legions of them. Handle with extreme caution, anime girls can be explosive. Beware of the color pink and squealing/glomping/puppy eyes. If you do not follow this crucial step, you may lose all semblance of sanity and in turn, be unable to continue your quest for REVENGE.

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**Revenge tip number 4:**

Obtain a weapon. All unemotional avengers who desire REVENGE, must have a suitably epic weapon. Popular choices include katanas, scythes, and chopsticks. Never choose a weapon that doesn't match up with your fighting style/species/hair color. Also, never use a weapon that is pink, chibified, or has the word "Rumble" written anywhere on it. This is not a suitable weapon for an avenger, and could also destroy your tough/angsty image. Train daily with your weapon, and if you are male, train shirtless, despite the weather. _Note: Be careful not to slip in the blood from the various nosebleeds this method may cause._

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**Revenge tip number 5:**

Develop an evil smile. This is an absolute must for anyone who desires REVENGE. Evil smiles can be used for a variety of things, and in a variety of different ways. If you are in a bad situation, or your weapon is destroyed, *see tip 4* then utilize this smile. It will serve to either confuse your enemy, or creep them out to the point of paralysis. Popular choices for evil smiles include the knowing grin, the angsty smirk, and the insane clown. Choose wisely, because this will shape your reputation as an Avenger.

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**Congratulations! You are now ready to embark on your quest for REVENGE!**

You have now obtained everything you need to become an Avenger! Now all that's left is to set out on your quest for REVENGE! _Note: This may require abandoning your home village/sacrificing everything dear to you/wearing a purple rope for no good reason/giving up on your love of tomato's. Restrictions apply. Call the Official Uchiha Office Building for details, at 1-800-295-REVENGE._

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**Step One:**

Abandon your home. All those who want REVENGE must first abandon their home to go train in the wilderness. There are many methods by which you can accomplish this. You can wait for a shady invitation from a pedophilic snake, have a battle to the death with your closest friend, _(Requires many explosions, proper use of catchphrase, and denial of everything just in the world)_or you can murder your entire clan in one night leaving only your small duck-like brother behind to nurture his hate, and in turn his REVENGE. Beware of fangirls/fanboys as you leave the village, they have the ability to cause sappy moments to appear from thin air. If you do encounter a fangirl/fanboy, quickly knock them out and be on your way.

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**Step Two:**

Gain ludicrous amounts of Power. To obtain your REVENGE, you must have suitably large amounts of power in order to defeat your enemy/brother/evil twin/cat. Some popular methods for quickly gaining Power include obtaining a curse mark, (Side effects may include intense agony, moving black tattoo's, a transformation into the opposite gender, and/or death) or joining a powerful group filled with S-rank ninja's, (WARNING: May result in decapitation, ripping out of the heart, attempted body possession, and/or being eaten by a giant plant. If you are female, beware of nosebleeds.) Other less common methods include ripping out your brother's eyes, killing your best friend, or the least popular, actually training.

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**Step Three:**

Obtain a group of followers. All good Avengers need a group of followers to do their bidding. This group can include up to three other members. There is traditionally at least one annoying fangirl type kunoichi in each group, but if you wish to stay sane then perhaps this is not for you. Members of these groups are also known to have a separate agenda, be careful not to let this get in the way of your REVENGE. Once you have beaten your group into submission, then you can go in search of your enemy/brother/evil twin/cat. You are now ready to face them in a battle to the death to obtain your REVENGE.

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**Step Four:**

Confront your enemy. You have finally reached the point where you can defeat your enemy...Or have you? Only an epic overly dramatic battle will decide once and for all. First, you begin by simply talking. Nobody actually fights right away these days, first you must converse with your enemy. Topics include discussing your own new strength, how you plan to kill them/what you will do with the corpse, the popular question, Why did you do _? and finally, the spirited mocking session. Once you have finished the preliminaries you may begin to fight. _Note: You must not allow your group to help you, it would be "against your honor" after all_. Remember to save your best moves/comebacks/emotional displays for last, it will make the battle that much more dramatic. Congratulations! You have defeated your enemy and obtained your REVENGE!

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**THE END?**

Good job Avenger! You have defeated your enemy/brother/evil twin/cat and have now fulfilled your goal in life! As a side note, we have some exciting news! Your enemy/brother/evil twin/cat turned out to be on your side the entire time! This means that your entire quest for REVENGE was completely pointless, but don't take out your frustration on the general populace quite yet! Your enemy/brother/evil twin/cat was apparently trying to save you and your homeland the entire time! So what is the logical decision to make after hearing this? Blame everything on your homeland and set out on a new quest to destroy it - thus gaining new REVENGE!

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Thank you for reading the Official Uchiha Guide to Revenge! We hope it has aided you in your dramatic quest! If you have questions comments or concerns, please follow the link titled "Review this Story" Remember, not even the Uchiha clan can keep the cycle of REVENGE going single handedly! Thank you for your continued support!


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